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Steve realised that his aggression towards Nicola was increasing over time. He saw that Nicola and the kids were more and more afraid of him. Nicola had talked before about leaving him but he'd always told himself that it would never happen. Inside he began to worry that this would in fact happen.

All couples disagree and argue from time the time. Steve and Nicola were no exception. But when Steve showed he was prepared to hit or threaten Nicola to get his own way, a major change had happened. From then on Nicola got frightened whenever Steve was angry. The kids felt it too.

What's happening in your life right now?

Perhaps you have recently hurt your partner? Maybe she has left you? You might be overwhelmed by feelings of anger, guilt, loss, fear of a future without her. Do you worry about the effect of your violence on your kids? Perhaps you haven't hurt your partner but are worried that you will? If you are worried, ask yourself these few important questions.

1. Do you often call her names and constantly criticise her?
2. Have you tried to keep her from doing something that she wanted to do? (Eg. going out with friends, having a job, doing some study.)
3. Do you take charge with the finances - not allowing your partner money for her own personal use?
4. Have you ever threatened to hit or throw something at her?
5. Have you unfairly accused your partner of paying too much attention to someone else?
6. Have you ever slapped, hit, pushed or shoved her?
7. Do you ever pressure her to have sex when she doesn't want to?

If you want your relationships with your partner and children to be without fear and violence here are some ideas to start with;

• there may be a whole range of things about which you and your partner have conflict. None of those issues is as important as the need to eliminate fear from the relationship. You cannot resolve those other issues until your partner feels safe to discuss them with you.
• you may want to blame others for what is happening to you. This is not going to help you. Focus on what you can do differently, NOT what others should do differently.
• lasting change takes time. If your partner and children are frightened of you it will take considerable time before they recognise the change in you and begin to feel safe. Accept that this cannot be rushed, or achieved overnight.

Do you often feel angry or short tempered?

• SLOW DOWN - do not act impulsively. Think carefully about each step you take.
• Avoid alcohol and drugs - you will make poor decisions if you are drunk or under the influence of drugs. They may dull the emotional pain but are likely to make things worse.
• Find support. It could be friends, family or a professional counsellor. Choose your support carefully. Those who think being a support means getting you drunk or stoned are not being helpful.

If you're not ready to take the time to think about your behaviour, then you may as well stop reading any further. This information will not be useful until you're ready to do some serious thinking. Take time to decide what it is that you want.

Above all else...
If you've made a concrete decision to change your behaviour, you have taken an important step, you have just made it over the first difficult hurdle!